Pepper Potts's Pussy Potpourri

Greetings Virtual Readers! How goes the new year? Same as the old year? We are just about thirty days in and I'm not seeing anything "new". Just the same ole, same ole. How about you? How are you coming along with your resolutions? Are you being resolute? It's okay Virtual Reader, resolutions are meant to be broken. I for one, make the same resolution every single year and I only break it once a year. My New Year Resolution is always, don't make new year resolutions. I am mostly successful.

I wanted this edition to be one of political freeness, a bastion of peace and tranquillity away from that maelstrom of absolute fuckery down south. I find the complete annihilation of perceived truth and the destruction of perceived right and wrong to be sickening. I mean it's always been lies and it's mostly been wrong but before, we had an illusion of good and righteous justice. Now it's Romper Room on Adderal, blow and pornstars. Oh and let's not forget the spin doctors with their, "get rid of her" means fire her. Yeah, with a flamethrower. Shit! The insidious politics of politics has wormed its way in, again.

Quick! Create a diversion!

This candle smells like my vagina! Well, not my vagina as I am not equipped as such but if you haven't heard, Gweneth Paltrow is selling a candle that smells like her vagina. Whhaaattt? This goes back a while and I'm guessing it made its rounds on the anti-social media. So forgive me if you heard this and promptly forgot all about it but I feel the need to explore further. Gweneth Paltrow has a business of some sort called Goop. I'll be honest I don't think Gwen has a grip on naming things well. Can I call you Gwen? Her kid's names are Apple and Moses.

To be completely fair to Gweneth and I don't believe this will help her cause, she didn't just walk into her R&D department and say, smell this, now make a candle. At least that's not the story being told.

Gwen and her smells department at Goop were looking for a fresh, new provocative fragrance for her new line of scented candles. They were in the lab just spitballin some ideas, mixing different fragrances and such. You know? A bit o' bats wing and eye of noot. And, whamo! Gwen exclaimed, hey this smells like my vagina! And the rest, as they say, is history, my friends.

On the surface, this would normally be a wee bit of saucy office humour from a cool and awesome boss. A hearty gut laugh and everyone would get back to work trying to find an actual fragrance for the new line of scented candles. But, no. Gweneth "Pepper Potts" Paltrow is running the show and everyone around the oval table nodded in agreement when they realized that Gwen was super serious. Can I call you Gwen? I would pay good money, not that much mind you, to be a fly on the wall in that meeting. Not a common housefly but something badass, like a horsefly. Or maybe a tsetse fly, yeah, put your ass to sleep. Like this shit isn't doing that already. I digress.

Here they are, the big brains of Goop, nodding along as Gweneth states that this will be her new scented candle line! Yay!

"By what name shall we christen this musky new scent?" Asked the over-educated smell doctors? A quandary? A stumbling block in the infant stages of this brilliant idea? No way Jose, Gweneth quells that creative rebellion immediately. "It shall be named, This Smells Like My Vagina." And there was a round of applause.

Now, I don't know about you but this is sounding like some pretty wacky shit. First, they must be a close-knit group for the boss to be able to not only identify the smell as her vagina but then voice it out loud. Picture it, Virtual Reader, picture your favourite boss and or supervisor. Got that picture? Now, they turn to you and say, your sandwich smells like my lower, abdominal area. What a great scent for a candle, right?

I know, I know an over-exaggeration at best. My place of business doesn't have a single smell doctor nor a business plan for scented candles. Well, that's okay, I mean who in their right mind wants a candle that smells like Gweneth's vagina? So what if the often wacky Gwen wants to waste her money making something that no one, in their right mind, would want to buy? Can I call you Gwen? What special occasion would call for a candle of that scent? A birthday? A funeral? A bar mitzvah? Who is the demographic that this particular kitty candle is aimed at? Is it men that want a nice quiet evening alone with themselves? Is it women that . . . I got nothing. I'm not trying to be obtuse here, I don't know who would buy this thing. Oh, yeah and the cost? Seventy-five dollars. Seventy-five, real, USD. What the actual fuck?

So I'm thinking there is no way on the Gods green earth that this is going to sell. Gweneth will be a laughing stock, not untrue, and she will lose some money in the process.

Trial run of these candles, I think they said it was a hundred, sold out in short order. Sold out. Elton John bought a whole shit load of them but that's a different candle. No really, Elton John bought a lot of these, a batch if the stories are to be believed. Apparently, he is a fan. The candle sold out on the Goop website and demand for the odorous candle remains high. Obviously, like these people and Sir Elton John.

The question that remains? Who are the crazy people in this dealing of business? The seller or the buyer? I'm going with, drum roll please, the buyer. Caveat Emptor.

Let's be honest here, shall we? It is a selling ploy. It's shocking, it's provocative, it's a . . . grift. From the company/Gweneth that encourages the coffee enema and steaming your vagina with Mugwort. What the fuck is mugwort and should it go near a vagina?

There is no guarantee that this candle smells anything like Gwen's vagina I'm betting it smells like anything other than her vagina. She is the only one, and maybe her partner, that knows what her vagina smells like. I wonder if her husband has one to remind him of her when she is away? Can I call you Gwen? You thought I forgot, didn't you? Of course, he doesn't because it doesn't smell like her vagina or anything else of her.

So what we have here is a scented candle, that sells for seventy-five dollars, that could have been named Moonlight Serenade. Or Dawns Glow. Not to be confused with Dawn's Glow because then we are right back where we started.

Listen, if you want to buy a candle that's named, Smells Like My Vagina because it's a funky, provocative name for a candle? Fill your boots. It's your money and how you waste it is your business. If you are buying this candle in the hope that it smells like Gweneth Paltrow's vagina? I'd take that seventy-five dollars and get some help, or advice, or a life coach. I hear Vinny does excellent work and you can find him slinging pastrami from the Italian deli.

Plus, I'm a little cheesed off that Gwen beat me to the punch in the ye ole scented candle business. I was developing my scented candle line. Smells Like My Ass. but it Taint. Can I call you Gwen?

AW

"Beware of the person that can't be bothered by details." ~ William Feather ~