Screaming Makes Me . . . Horse.

Greetings virtual Readers,

Another season has come and gone and I've written nearly not a scratch this summer? Summer? I use that word loosely.

I have no excuse for my absence from the written word except I'm lazy and my muse took the last couple of months off. Apparently, my muse had better things to do other than supply me with inspiration.

Speaking of inspiration I recently came across the story of a woman who boarded an American Airlines flight with her emotional support horse. Yes, you've read that right, her emotional support horse.

Now it's a small horse to be sure but it is a horse just the same.

At first, I thought, no, no this must be some sort of joke. Or maybe some sort of publicity stunt by American Airlines.

"Come fly the friendly skies and bring your horse? Giddy up!" "We will fly you and your farmyard animals!"

That sort of thing. As I continued to read what little was written, it became apparent that this was neither a joke nor a stunt. This was the reality of the day. I use the word reality very loosely here folks. I have so many questions and no answers other than disbelief and more questions.

So let's start with my first question.

When one decides they need an emotional support animal, what is the process by which one acquires one? Is there a ceremony? Is there lighting of incense and burning of sage? Chanting and singing? Does the choice of said animal come to one in a dream-like state? Or perhaps the emotional support animal chooses you? Like your spirit animal but it comes along on plane rides to calm you the fuck down.

I have a touch of anxiety flying if I have carry-on luggage I can't imagine boarding a plane with a small horse would alleviate that for me.

Personally, I've found edibles do the trick.

At least, in this case, the emotional support animal can carry your luggage. I wonder if that gets you out of the baggage fee?

Question two.

What happens to this person if they can't bring their emotional support animal on the plane? What is the worst that can happen? Hysteria? Passing out? That would be a blessing, no?

Or maybe they simply couldn't fly? The conversation goes something like this.

American Airlines: American Airlines how can I help you today?

Emotional Passenger: Hi I need to book a flight to the heartland of this great country but I need to fly with my emotional support animal as I have a touch of anxiety. Is this a problem?

AA: Not normally. What type of emotional support animal are you travelling with?

EP: She is a miniature horse and her name is sparkles.

AA: Excuse me. Did you say horse?

EP: Yes I did. She is my rock and I just couldn't fly without her.

AA: Then don't fly! Take a bus, that shit happens in Mexico all the time, although they usually stop at small goats and chickens.

(conversation in the background of the AA connection.)

AA: I've been informed that since that Asian fella was dragged off and beaten and then stood there crying kill me now, we have to allow any stupid shit to improve our corporate image. So, welcome aboard Sparkles.

EP: Yay!

Question number three.

Maybe more of a statement. No, it's a question.

When choosing an emotional support animal and I mean really sitting down and thinking it through, you'd have to take travel into account, right? And in so doing you'd have to take the other people, who also paid big money to fly to the great heartland of that once okay nation, into account. Right?

Because I'll be honest with you Virtual Reader, nothing gets my anxiety into high gear like being trapped in the cylinder of death with a shitting and pissing horse. A miniature horse to be sure but still a horse capable of pissing and shitting.

It's bad enough I had to sit beside the guy that smelt like raw sewage for five and a half hours, in the middle seat, now I could experience barnyard smells as well? Exciting!

Because unless I miss my guess this horse could just let go if it is feeling a bit anxious . . . because it normally frolics in a field of green and doesn't ride in a fucking airplane!!

And it's a damned good thing that this horse was flying American Airlines because if it was Air Canada she'd miss her flight trying to flush that tiny pony down the toilet.

The conversation could go something like this.

Air Canada Employee: I'm sorry ma'am but you can't bring that horse onto this airplane.

Emotional Passenger: But, but this is Sparkles, my emotional support animal, I need her with me.

ACE: No, I'm sorry but that horse will piss and shit all over the aircraft and that will be a huge inconvenience to the other passengers, who also paid good money to fly without the sights and sounds and fragrance of Old MacDonald's farm.

EP: But I love Sparkles what can I do with her if she can't come on the plane?

ACE: Well a couple of years back we had a lady with an emotional support hamster and I suggested she flush it down the toilet.

EP: . . .

ACE: And she did.

EP: . . .

ACE: Next!

So kudos to American Airlines for letting sparkles live another day outside of the sewers. I'd have paid good money to watch that woman trying to flush her miniature pony while sobbing, "I love you sparkles!"

I digress.

So when choosing an emotional support animal wouldn't it be prudent to choose an animal that is easy to transport? A mouse, or possibly a kitty cat. Not a fucking Bengal Tiger, just an everyday kitty cat. Maybe a spider? Or a wren?

But never snakes because Sammy J hates those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane.

Question . . . Oh, who gives a shit?

American Airlines, what in the name of all that is holy were you thinking? I mean it's like a bunch of drunk college dropouts are making the decisions over at American.

Employee: We are overbooked. What should we do?

Drunk College Dropout One: Just grab that Asian dude over there and drag him off of the plane kicking and screaming, also throw a couple of punches into his unprotected face till he sobs kill me now. Because no one will have a cell phone handy because we told them to put it on airplane mode.

Employee: This lady wants to fly with her emotional support animal and it's a horse, miniature to be sure, but a horse. What should we do?

Drunk College Dropout Number Two: Oh yeah for sure. Party on Sparkles.

Employee: But, won't it piss and shit everywhere?

DCDNT: Yeah but maybe people will forget and forgive about the sobbing Asian dude.

I understand anxiety. I truly do. I can't understand someone else's anxiety. I can't feel their crippling fear or frustration. I can't.

That being said there have to be boundaries, we can't amend the process for every single person who needs it. We just can't. I don't know about the complications of travelling with a horse, even a miniature one. But, as much as I understand anxiety I would not expect other people, whom I don't know, to have to be subjected to possible anxiety, or fear, or the revulsion of stinky piss and shit just to allay my own anxiety.

What if the passenger directly behind this woman and Sparkles had a scent allergy? Or an allergy to animal hair? What of their right to safe and comfortable travel? I mean it's not like you book a flight and expect to sit beside a horse. A small one to be sure, but a horse just the same.

So here's my solution. If they can set limits, and they can, on the size of carry-on luggage, maybe, just maybe they could do a similar thing with emotional support animals?

I'm sorry sir but that emotional support water buffalo is a smidge too big to fly our friendly skies. You know, that sort of thing.

Of course, size shouldn't be the only determining factor because I just lit some incense and burnt some sage and some kush and I'm leaning toward a honey badger as my emotional support animal.

A honey badger named Spike. Oh, don't worry I'll have a collar on him, it will be fine, what's the worst that can happen?

Seriously, people there comes a time to say enough. No, you can't bring your horse on the aircraft. Just no. Rent a car or truck with a trailer and drive that shit yourself. You wouldn't ride that emotional support horse as transportation so don't bring it on mass transportation.

I don't know how long the flight was but what if this woman decides to fly to England or France? How is Sparkles going to handle that flight?

Just hold it a little longer Sparkles we are almost th . . .

For Christ's sake, you can't even bring nail clippers onto the aircraft because you might try to gouge out somebody's hangnail, no wait, that's what they're for . . . you know what I mean.

But a horse? No problem.

What if this woman was smuggling cocaine in Sparkles rectum? That would make Sparkles a mule. DAMMIT stop trying to pigeon hole Sparkles!!

What I'm saying is, did anyone do a cavity search on Sparkles or the woman? Because that may have alleviated some anxiety right there.

That'll do donkey, that'll do.

AW

"When you are on a great horse, you have the best seat you will ever have."

• Churchill -